Where have all the cowboys gone?

"Without trust, there is no love"

Wow, it's been a while. Here I am, back with my emoness. I really feel like I'm invisible. It's been happening a lot lately that people I know do or go through something I've done/gone through, yet everyone is so much more concerned with them. I mean, I don't need a freaking pity party but damn, please be consistent in your coldness. It's just really hard anymore to know who your real friends are. Who's going to keep your secrets and who's going to talk about you behind your back? Who's going to be two-faced and who's going to give a damn when you're falling apart? I don't mean to come off bitter, but I really get the feeling that some of my friends are just 'going through the motions.' I really wish some people would take the time, but I guess that's asking too much. I've made a lot of breakthroughs lately that have really opened my eyes, it's just unfortuate what I found staring back at me. If you're someone that really cares about me, then be there, otherwise, leave me alone so we can both move on. Sorry for my brutal honesty, but you have no idea.

Currently Reading Hamlet (Folger Shakespeare Library) By William Shakespeare see related

I lose my way, and its not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry, because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh, every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break, when it wasn't even whole to start with.

I watched you die, I heard you cry, every night in your sleep.
I was so young, you should have known better than to lean on me.
You never thought of anyone else you just saw your pain.
And now I cry in the middle of the night, doin the same damn thing

I know I use Kelly Clarkson quotes way too often, but this song illustrates how I feel most of the time. There are so many things that people don't know about me, but I can't even begin to tell them. As I'm sure a lot of people read on Danielle's xanga, my dad has cancer. That's the icing on the cake. My family is basically falling apart and there's nothing I can do but just stand by and watch. I have so many things going on and running through my head that I just can't take it anymore. I'm tired of putting on a smile for everyone, pretending that everything is perfect. You know what, it's not and it never really has been. I hate being strong for everyone else, but then crying myself to sleep because I can't let anyone in. I'm sorry for the rant, but I'm so fed up with the way I live my life and the direction it's going in. I need someone...right now. Maybe I need my doctor (Ms. Holly Ann). I just need someone to talk to before I explode. I know that when something bad happens, everyone says that they're there if you need them, but if you're really not going to be there, don't tell me that. I'm sorry that I'm so negative, but you really have no idea.

So...it's been a while, but I've been pretty busy. I finished school the first week of May, and I've been working since then. I got a job at the Blockbuster off of Duncan & 7, so if anyone wants to come visit me, it's definitely welcomed. I've seen a bunch of people come in that I know, and apparently the people I work with are keeping tallies of all the people I know. They're just jealous...  Anyway, everyone I work with is really cool, I get payed fairly well, flexible hours, and the best part: free rentals! Can't beat that! Oooooo, and Ms. Holly Ann interviewed there!! Anyway, I started summer school Friday. It's a 2 week literature class, which means we're booking it (no pun intended). We're reading a book of poetry and 3 plays, so it shouldn't be too bad, but I do have to write 3 papers a night. That part kind of blows. After this class ends, I start an 8 week philosophy class with Sarah and possibly Danielle. Friday, my dad had surgery while I was in class, but I was able to make it there by the time he came out of recovery. He had to have half of his thyroid gland removed and they're running tests on it right now for cancer. The primary test came up benign (sp?), but they still have some more tests. He's home now and is ok, but we're still waiting to hear about the tests. Yesterday, Nick and I went to Jaime's wedding. She's one of my friends from work at UMKC. It was pretty cool, but it's weird to think that people my age are getting married and/or having kids. Anywho, I've been hanging out with Nick a lot and once my senior friends graduate/finish parties, we should hang out. Well, this was completely pointless, but whatever. One paper down, two to go. I'm off to write a 2-page paper about a 10-line poem. Woot woot...